smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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