Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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