matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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