my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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