my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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