I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
tonight lets celebrate not being married
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
