He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
