I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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