Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
