There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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