seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Say something about gay babies.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize