I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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