U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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