The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
