my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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