I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
