my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
