best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
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