You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
