Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
