She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
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That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
