i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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