She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
