That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
