that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
