He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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