My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
