Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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