I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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