i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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