that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
