Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My penis needs a shock collar
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
