there's paper in my vomit.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
