well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
