I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
