Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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