I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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