I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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