I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
