after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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