The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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