Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
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