It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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