you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
