who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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