Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
