No awkward lesbian experiences without me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
