Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
