The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
