Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
