I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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