I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
