I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
