I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
