Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
