I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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