She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
