why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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