Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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