I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
