Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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