even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
