I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
