The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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