Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize