I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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