just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
