i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
