i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize