i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
