Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Randomize
