I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I am available for nakedness
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
