My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
